Yo broheims! It’s another instalment of the ‘Guy Code’. If you didn’t already know, the GUY CODE is that most sacred rulebook that ensures guys act like “guys”. First carved on stone by the cavemen and passed down from generation to generation, this most revered book has guided guys’ action in major things like World wars and even little things like cheating on a test. It’s next after whatever holy book you hold dear and if you’re atheist; well this is your Bible.
So you’ve just had an awesome night at the bar and have outdone all your bros by drinking the most but now nature’s come-a-calling and you’ve gotta go. Here’s what the Guy Code says about ‘going’ in a public urinal.
Rule 1: Do Your Business Quickly
Unless, you’re having sex in a public restroom (which I highly recommend), on no account should a guy spend extended periods of time in there. This is what makes us guys and not women. Since there’s no sex at urinals, folks should get in and out of the restrooms and help prevent a line in front of the door.
Rule 2: No Talking
Chatting is for the bar. Political and sports debates are for the living room with your boys. Public urinals have the strictest “no talking” policy no matter who you meet there. The brief “Hey” or “Hi” upon entrance to acknowledge the fellow male is permitted but that’s where it ends. Unless the guy next to you is about to have his penis bitten by a snake, you do not need to communicate. Any similar life or death situation is also an exception.
Rule 3: Eyes Front!!
This is the golden rule of the public urinal: Never, ever, ever, ever look sideways. That’s just plain weird. Eyes forward always and even in the event of an emergency, communicate without making eye contact.
Rule 4: Use the Urinal Properly
It may come across as a bit of a shock but ‘real men’ are clean men. Make sure to urinate inside the bowl and not on the wall or the sides. Urine art is NOT a thing!! Also, don’t ever shit in the urinal just because the stalls are full. Hold it till there’s a free stall; like a man!
Don’t ever forget to wash your hands after use. Only cavemen use toilets without washing their hands. You are NOT a caveman!
Rule 5: Keep the Margin of Error
Forget my use of superfluous words. This simply means there should always be the space of at least one bowl between each man. If the urinal is well under-utilized, then the maximum space possible between each other should be observed. It might be a public restroom but everyone still needs their privacy. Make sure to put the spacing into consideration when choosing a spot if the urinal is empty or largely empty.
Rule 6: What happens in the Restroom Stays in the Restroom
No matter what you see – awkward, violent, sexual, etc. – in the public restroom while at the urinal, Guy Code says you take it to your grave and never speak of it with another soul. Unless you are required to provide a police statement or are subpoenaed for those details, never tell.
Don’t forget to zip up after guys. This is not a rule but definitely a major key.
Well, that’s all for now folks. We hope this helps you handle yourself better at public urinals in the future.