Yeah, just in case you didn’t know yet, Donald-duck face-Trump is going to be the 45th President of the United States of America. It wasn’t like there was a better candidate, or wait, was there a better candidate? Someone who isn’t racist, who isn’t a bigot, who has years of political experience, someone who isn’t going on trial for rape? I don’t think so, because if there was, Americans are sensible people and would have voted for that person.
But that’s not why I’m here. Well Trump told everybody he was going to take back America for the American people, which means all you foreigners can get the hell out as he intends to “Make America Great Again”.
In layman terms, he’s shipping your asses back to your countries. I know this might seem gloomy and sad but here’s a list of things you’ll fall in love with from the moment your ship arrives in Apapa with your ‘bruv and innit’ accent.
I had to get this out of the way real quick, is the thought of eating Jollof rice when you want, where you want, not enough reason for you to get on that ship by without Trump forcing you?
This is for the people who like football, yeah I know watching football in your air-conditioned living room on your wide screen HD TV is mad but how about watching it in a place where the person next to you is more likely to break your head with a bottle than hug you when celebrating a goal? Exhilarating eh?
No, I’m not talking about escaping Trump’s bigotry, I’m talking about the night club. Have you really clubbed if you have never been to escape? The exchange rate is still crazy and I’m assuming Trump will allow you to take your savings when you leave, so you should have no problem shutting down escape with just a few dollars.
Have you ever spent over an hour in a traffic in which your house is right in your view? Need I say more? If the yellow buses don't make you feel at home then nothing can... Get prepared for all the "smells" though.
This is the second thing that has to do with food that is making this list, but what is more important than food? I’m not talking about the rare steak where you can still taste the blood of the animal or the unseasoned chicken that tastes like rubber, I’m talking about the well-cooked meat that is seasoned with Know chicken that your neighbour from the three blocks away can perceive the aroma, yup that one.
I’m not talking about your mama jokes type of insults, I’m talking about ‘Oloriburuku-Oloshi-mashanfani-ayiri-oniranu’ all said in one breath type of insults. People insult you here just because, it is nothing personal. They can buy you Orijin immediately after. Fascinating, right?
You have dollars to spend so naturally, we will like you. Nigerians are a great people, they’re funny, they’re accommodating, and they see the best in people, so you shouldn’t have a hard time settling in.